Formula 1 Insight

When I Grow Up I Want to Be...

Everything has gone quiet in the world of F1 over the last few days (I have said all I want to about McLaren and the WMSC for the moment) and I am left scraping for a post. There is always history to mine for something to pass the time but I tend to talk about the same things when looking back - those eras that I particularly enjoyed. I am rescued in the end by a couple of posts on my favorite forum. They asked which three of the drivers we root for and which we particularly dislike.

Nico Rosberg
Nico Rosberg

In reading some answers to the questions, I realized that some were selecting on the basis of perceived driving skill, others on personality, and my thoughts wandered on to how we sometimes allow irrelevant factors to influence our judgement. Generally we support a driver because he has impressed us in some way and that can have nothing to do with his driving.

As a somewhat contrary example, I listed Massa as the only driver I dislike, all thanks to his conduct in the Japanese GP last year. His version of the collision with Bourdais was so far divorced from reality that I marvelled at the guy's egomania. It did not help that the stewards obviously believed his account and penalized Bourdais so unfairly.

In view of this, it occurred to me that we might as well rate the drivers on such irrelevant factors as looks; I opened a new topic asking which three drivers were the ugliest in F1. But there are other things we can look at as well - what other professions would suit the drivers' personalities, for instance?

I can start the ball rolling with Andrea's excellent suggestion for Nico Rosberg - "My name is Rolf. I am your ski instructor this weekend." The long, flowing, blond hair and confident grin make him a natural.

So let's have some fun and imagine the jobs that would suit each driver best, if that break into F1 had never happened. Possibilities crowd in on me but I want to read your suggestions - they are bound to be much funnier than mine!


Number 38

Clipped from above article:

Massa's version of the collision with Bourdais was so far divorced from reality that I marvelled at the guy's egomania.

You've got a way with words Clive, may I offer a similar example? 'Trulli tried to EVADE a penalty' is so far divorced from reality that we've got to marvel at your courage to print such drivil.

If you dislike Massa for one incident you have to marvel at him for another (like WINNING the Brazilian GP last year when 2nd place was worth no more than a DNF). I like wise view you the same way. A small error is quickly forgotten and we return each day to marvel at what you
do best .............. THANK YOU.

Date Added: 11/04/2009

I agree with you, Massa is the only F1 driver which I dislike!
Date Added: 11/04/2009

Number 38: Well, we've had the Trulli argument before so I'll let that one go.

Any driver will describe an incident in a way that absolves himself of blame, that is just human nature. That is why we were all so surprised to hear Vettel accepting full responsibility for the collision with Kubica. I just marvel at Massa's ability to see things so much from his own perspective that he ends up describing an entirely different incident from the one we saw. Bourdais drove into him? Pardon?

But yes, like everything else, it depends on how we see it and, in this particular case, we see things differently. Thank you for continuing to read! :D
Date Added: 11/04/2009

AlexF: I knew I shouldn't use the example of Massa for that particular example - I just couldn't resist!
Date Added: 11/04/2009

okay, i'll play. i actually don't hate massa but i'll start there.

massa- bobby brady in the new movie version of the brady bunch

hamilton- a school teacher

kimi -ice racer

heidfeld- the new calvin klein underwear model

rubinho-an activist for underprivleged children

webber- outback camel adventure tour and hiking guide

kubica- my very own boy toy- i love his face, what can i say!

i've tried and tried but other casting him as younger javier bardem in some film, i just can't see alonso doing anything else.

and while i'm at it, here's my 2 cents on the current overblown mclaren bruhaha- which your last two posts made me actually think about.

i was/am a prost fan. senna was the driver i both hated to love and loved to hate and yes, i know he was definitely the racier racer. maybe better than prost but for what ever reason prost's style appealed to me more. maybe it was prost's subtlety. which contradicts why i'm an alonso fan, and really contradicts why i'm not a big hamilton fan (since he seems to have an understated style as well) but there you are. i admired senna, i didn't love him. then.

then came senna's last year or next to last at mclaren. i'm a bit fuzzy on the time frame. there was one race, it may have been monza. senna came in 4th, 5th...not on the podium anyway. but the man drove the wheels off a mclaren that wasn't worth a top ten finish. he couldn't get out of the car, or wouldn't because he was ill-i've heard both versions). for whatever reason, that was the moment i had a vested emotional tie to senna. i found myself cheering him on from the 3rd lap to the end. it's sort of what i've been hoping for with hamilton this season. the kid in an inferior car, driving his whatsits off because that's his heart. so far he hasn't totally underwhelmed me, i have to admit.

but really, the s**tstorm of nonsense going down with the fia and team mclaren could really jack with what might otherwise be hamilton's signature year-even if it is his least successful. and that sort of nauseates me. why the fia can't just assess a penalty (in this case deserved) and move on i just do not get! does mosley really believe dennis had something to do with tushgate? does he believe mclaren actually sent a mole to ferrari? is it something else? whatever the reason it smacks of being both personal(like personal beyond just wanting to hand ferrari a championship) and of punishment without actually having to either make any accusations or back them up with proof.
Date Added: 11/04/2009

Heidfeld as a Calvin Klein underwear model - hahaha!

I agree with you about Hamilton - I think his driving will reduce the current hooha to the sideshow it deserves to be. This season he will put in drives that prove he is supremely talented and the whole liegate thing will fade into obscurity. There were fusses about Senna's character too when he first started but they became minor in comparison to our awe at his best performances on the track.
Date Added: 11/04/2009

Nick Goodspeed
The only driver I have a continuing dislike for is Didier Pironi although there were many times M.Shumacher left me feeling quite grumpy. I have sometimes wondered if Kimi hasn't been planted in F1 by the Monty Phython people.
In this day and age of F1 I can't blame Massa or Hamilton or any other driver for their reaction to what goes onj during a race. They have been put in a position of having to appease crackpots and lunatics while being paid millions to be driver, PR representative and poster boy. When someone pays you millions you do exactly what they tell you to do or you get black balled ala Jacques Villeneuve. I see Massa with a sombrero and six shooter in the remake of The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Kimi might well be the heavy in a new Pink Panther film. Ecclestone would be some troll in a hobbit movie. I suppose Alonso might find a role on Fantasy Island, somewhere between Ricardo Mantoban and Hervé Villechaize.
Could be this is all a flashback from the nitro fumes though!
Date Added: 11/04/2009

Hamilton here in India as road-side dhaba wala
Date Added: 12/04/2009

ham can cook? let me guess, fish and chips at lew's dhaba: fish pan fried in tahini and potato pakoras w/mint chutney. actually i could go for that -if i weren't a vegetarian. beats the heck outta america's gruesome contribution to road food-- mcdonald's.
Date Added: 12/04/2009

Bourdais An eye wear salesmen with the vision to please
Okay my frenglish is rubbish so read this in your own little french accent. :-)

Oh La La if I may it seems you have lost a little piece of your eye wear my dear. Let me help you with these Ooooh Aaaaaah now that is beautiful you look sparkling. Now let's talk business! One fifty and eeeeye shall give you only this little piece of eye wear for free. A permanent F1 drive with Renault and I give you aaaall my little red eyes.

All the best to you Clive
Date Added: 12/04/2009

Okay Heidfeld is WALTER Ze Mechanic being yelled at from a far:

Friend: He Walter mein Auto ist Kaputt! It doeznt zeem to voant to move - Mist! (German 4 Damn it!) - it just voant move! Mensch Walter ze bloody car voant drive! Walter: How many times must I tell you I dont dRive ze bloody zings I just repair zem!

strangely aside from XBox 360 and Play Station experts there is nothing in my mind for Vettel and Hamilton.

Date Added: 12/04/2009

Pink Peril
Ok I'll have bash at it.

Rosberg - underwear model. Too easy, actually. The others are a bit more of a challenge !

Kubica - History Professor. I say that because one time I saw him last year at Melbourne and he was wearing a cardigan with elbow patches. I kid you not.

Sutil - Model for Schwarzkopf. He strikes me as a man who has made lifelong friends with 'product', in a very queer eye way ( I am not suggesting he is gay, just very well groomed).

Fisi - Running a restaurant, with his Ciao's and double kisses.

Bourdais - Computer maths geek, with more than a passing interest in World of Warcraft.

Vettel - lead singer in the noughties version of the Partridge Family. C'mon get happy !

Webber - actor, in a Magnum PI type Show.

Flippy - working the drivethrough at Macca's. I can see the hat & headset on him already.

Kimi - a Politican. Drinks, parties, womanises, never says anything of substance. Perfect fit really.

Kovi - reminds me of the Michelin Man for some reason. Maybe its because he has no neck. Perhaps a career as their spokesperson awaits him?

Lewis - Used car salesman. Smooth.

Piquet - can only be a playboy, permanently ensconsed on a yacht somewhere.

And Nando - Pro surfer. I can see him in boardies, chasing waves, all wet sunkissed. Or is that just wishful thinking ;)

Date Added: 13/04/2009

Lewis Hamilton becomes a male supermodel in a campaign highlighting clothes for the young metrosexual, which quickly segues into a career as an editor at GQ magazine.

In the tradition of the James Bond movies, Kimi Raikkonen succeeds Matt Damon as Jason Bourne in the continuation of the spy series, starring in "The Bourne Formula". His detached, flat delivery is hailed by critics as a performance that explores the depth to which the character has been stripped of his personality by his Treadstone training and programming.

Fernando Alonso will become Antonio Banderas' voice double. For sure.

Nelson Piquet, after a series of failed ventures finally hits the big time when his autobiographical work "Daddy Dearest" hits the New York Times Bestseller list. His father remarking on the book's poor editing and sloppy grammar, remarks, "The kid never did do anything right".
Date Added: 13/04/2009

Some excellent suggestions, many of them too close for comfort! I particularly liked the idea of Kimi as Jason Bourne (he even looks like Matt Damon) but that would be giving an unfair advantage to Andrea - she knows I love the Bourne movies (they're making a new one, by the way).

And there is a practical side to all this too. If the economic slump gets worse and teams are forced out of the sport, at least the drivers will have ready-made suggestions for new careers!
Date Added: 13/04/2009

Rubinho: used-car salesman
Button: bike racer and sports model
Glock: TV actor for kids programs
Tulli: let's leave him on his vineyard!
Kubica: Hollywood actor, playing WWII know the character...
Heidfeld: TV model for shaving products
Nakajima: susbtitute character for the Wiggles
Rosberg: Unisex-clothing model
Webber: president of the FIA...down-under, no spanking. We wants to change the association name for something more aussie: F..kIA to honor Mosley
Vettel: Sci-Fi writer
Piquet: CEO of the Nelson Piquet-Sotomayor foundation
Alonso: The Ron Dennis of Santander Fred-F1 Ferrari team
Kovalainen: Director of the Finnish museum of F1
Hamilton: commentator for the BBC F1 broadcast. AntHam is still his manager!
Massa: soup-opera actor, the poor guy who lives in a favella
Kimi: therapist for autist children
Burdais: Owner of a Barnes and noble bookstore.
Buemi: I have no idea....
Fisichella: sport glasses magazine model
Sutil: president of the Deutche Racing Ass. swimsuit model on his spare time...

Date Added: 14/04/2009

Kubica - museum curator & tour guide of the museum
Rosberg - camp boy band member (can I say camp?!)
Hamilton - football player
Raikonnen - Terminator/android sci-fi actor (emotionless robot etc)
Barrichelo - the Werther's Original Dad!!!
Trulli - TV chef
Nakajima - TV game show host
Gonzo - the evil genius/prof/master mind in a cartoon (voice of)
Bourdais - the cable/Sky TV installer
Sutil - air steward
Fisichella - hair dye model (the just for men dude)
Kovalainen - a member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police
Webber - Texas ranch farmer a la Chuck Norris
Massa - jockey
Buemi - car mechanic
Heidfeld - the guy at B&Q who you ask for hardware advice
Piquet - male model : Blue Steel
Glock - newscaster
Vettel - von Trapp family member

Date Added: 14/04/2009

Some excellent suggestions in these - some real thought has gone into them. Thanks, people!
Date Added: 14/04/2009

Toby Bushby
Late again. But here goes nothin':

Hamilton - Hairdresser, American TV style.
Kubica - 1. Guerilla Warlord. 2. Drag queen. It's the nose, you see.
Rosberg - Switch places with Leo Di Caprio.
Webber - See Kubica part 2. Or a hardware salesman.
Fisichella - see Hamilton.
Trulli - Surf bum.
Alonso - Airline pilot.
Heidfeld - Research scientist. I'd say bacteria.
Massa - Car detailer.
Buemi - Pro boxer.
Bourdais - Dentist.
Nakajima - Dentist.
Vettel - Apprentice mechanic.
Raikkonen - Tennis, golf or badminton?
Piquet - Seen Zoolander?
Glock - Garbologist.
Sutil - Phys Ed teacher.
Button - Pilot. Mail plane. "See, it's got those two little...."
Kovalainen - Actor from the remake of Deliverance.
Barrichello - Druglord.
Date Added: 15/04/2009

RSS feed icon RSS comments feed

Back to the main blog

Have your say

You may use some HTML in comments. For bold text use <strong></strong> and for italic text use <em></em>. If you know what you're doing feel free to use more complex mark-up but please no deprecated tags, break tags or JavaScript.

Enter the code shown above:

Name *

Comment *

Email *


Copyright disclaimers XHTML 1.0 CCS2 RSS feed Icon