The 51st State

I have maintained for some time that England should petition America to be the 51st State. There are benefits that would accrue to both sides if this were to happen but note first that I said "England", not Britain or the United Kingdom. Scotland and Wales have been straining to get away from the Union for some time; this is one Englishman who has had enough and says, "Let 'em go."

Consider the advantages that both England and America could gain by such an assimilation. England would no longer be subject to the failed dream of becoming an equal partner in a mystical "United States of Europe". No more would she have to struggle under the ludicrous diktats of Brussels or suffer the ignominy of her interests being disregarded while the French and Germans tussle over which nation will be "head honcho" in Europe.

Language would no longer be a problem since England shares a common tongue with the States. There would be a minor difficulty with spelling at first but, since both education systems seem to deem it of no importance, this would hardly be a stumbling block. With English being the lingua franca of the internet, a union between two major Anglo Saxon nations would also make sense and strengthen the language's claim to be the Latin of the modern world.

The English might have to learn to call petrol "gasoline" but the pain of that should be greatly eased by the adoption of American gas prices. In the middle of an oil supply crisis, gas now costs an average of just over $3.00 per gallon in the States. That's about £1.60, folks; from my latest information, it seems that the price at the pumps in Britain is currently above £5.00 per gallon. Need I say more?

Note, too, that I have used the old measure, the gallon. Guess what, countrymen - it's still used over here in the States! Forget those meaningless litres and kilos and return to sensible measures. For the young ones who have been indoctrinated into the metric system, let me explain how sensible is the old way to measure. An inch is approximately the length of the last digit of your thumb (let's call it a rule of thumb), a foot is exactly that, about the length of an average male foot, and a yard is what you're going to have to learn to call your garden.

But it's not only with gas prices that I can entice my countrymen into the fold; just about anything you can think of costs less in America. Think of it - computers, cars, washing machines, and especially steak, costing around half of what they squeeze from you over there. From a financial point of view alone, it makes perfect sense to join the States rather than Europe.

The benefits do not flow only one way; there are plenty of advantages to be had from such a union by the Americans too. Consider how the Royal family is adored in the States. With a stroke of the pen they could become an icon alongside Uncle Sam. Oh, there would be no problem with jurisdiction; the Brits have long ago stripped them of all power and they could continue in their present function, providing the pomp and ceremony of our quaint little island nation. Perhaps an arrangement could be made whereby some of them visit continental America and wave to the crowd on regular occasions.

There is the dying aristocracy to be considered, too. By allowing the monarchy to continue in a titular role, you also permit the possibility of titles being handed out beyond England's shores, and so we might have Duke Duke Ellington, Earl Earl Pomeroy and Baron le Baron. I think I'd draw the line at Prince Prince, however.

Of course, a major attraction for the Americans in my suggestion is the wealth of history they'd be buying into. After all, many Americans have their ancestral roots in England and this would be an opportunity to own that history as never before. Tourism would be made so much easier as well, no passports being required, and the journey being of no more consequence than driving from Minnesota to Michigan. Prices would be more akin to what the Americans are used to and so tipping would cease to be the extortionate chore it is now if you stick to the 15% norm (and the English would be happy too, since they are lucky to be tipped at all at present and then only at the rate of 10%).

There are strategic matters to look at too. With union would come the opportunity to have a solid military base on the other side of the Atlantic, easily defensible since the Channel still forms a major obstacle to any possible invasion. England has small but highly professional armed forces that would add a feather in the cap of America's military.

Think of it as your grandmother coming to live with you when she's too old and feeble to run her own household anymore. She may be a bit crotchety and eccentric but she provides free baby-sitting services and occasional light kitchen help. You might have to suffer endless tales of how things used to be but, with a bit of luck, there'll be the odd gem of wisdom mixed in too. And besides, it's so much better than packing her off to spend her last days in a home.

You know it makes sense. Already forward-looking people are bowing to the inevitable and placing their bets. Our good friend, Bill Gates, invests huge sums in Cambridge University every year. He knows which way the wind is blowing, obviously.

You might think I make this suggestion in jest and, to some extent, you'd be right. I know there's no chance of it ever happening. But, in an ideal world, it would be the most sensible way to go. And I have increased its chances of being considered by putting the idea in your head. Now run with it!