Not many know this but I have an agent in Spain who sends me occasional reports on the F1 scene. I don't often post them because Garcia (as he prefers to be known) is a little too fond of the sangria and he rarely makes much sense as a result. His latest offering is so strange, however, that I thought I must let the readers make up their own minds about it.
Max and Bernie
Understand, I take no responsibility for this and I am not saying there's a word of truth in it - I know Garcia only too well. For what it is worth, however, here is his Report From Barcelona:
Hey boss, you sure missed a great shindig here in sunny Espana! After the Grand Prix, all the guys got together in a little bar down near the docks and the place was jumping, I tell you. Everyone was there, all the Ferrari guys, even Luca, and the other teams as well. Only the McLaren boys were missing. What really set the place alight was when Max and Bernie walked in - you should have seen it.
Old Luca, he's been talking away in Italiano to his guys and, when he sees Max, he really gets mad. His face was red and sweating and he leaps on the table and starts singing. It was Maggie's Farm, only he changed the words a bit so it went like this:
I ain't gonna work on Maxxie's farm no more.
No, I ain't gonna work on Maxxie's farm no more.
Well, I wake in the morning,
Fold my hands and pray for rain.
I got a head full of ideas
That are drivin' me insane.
It's a shame the way he makes me scrub the floor.
I ain't gonna work on Maxxie's farm no more.
I ain't gonna work for Maxxie's Bernie no more.
No, I ain't gonna work for Maxxie's Bernie no more.
Well, he hands you a nickel,
He hands you a dime,
He asks you with a grin
If you're havin' a good time,
Then he fines you every time you slam the door.
I ain't gonna work for Maxxie's Bernie no more.
Well, Boss, that really cuts things loose. Max puffed out his chest and started shouting. After a bit we realized it was supposed to be singing, Push by Matchbox 20, I think, and I managed to write some of it down:
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved
By a hand that's touched me, well I feel like something's
Gonna give
And I'm a little bit angry, well
This ain't over, no not here, not while I still need you
Around
You don't owe me, we might change
Yeah we just might feel good
I wanna push you around, I will, I will
I wanna push you down, I will, I will
I wanna take you for granted
I will
Not to be outdone, Bernie pipes up then and starts singing too. Now, you know Bernie - he only remembers about three songs and so it was no surprise that it turned out to be Taxman. It's from his heyday, of course, but I had this amazing revelation suddenly of where Bernie gets his hairstyle. Anyway, I thought you might like to read some of the words:
Let me tell you
How it will be.
There's one for you,
Nineteen for me,
'Cause I'm the taxman.
Yeah, I'm the taxman.
You can imagine how that got the party going. A huge brawl broke out, mostly among the mechanics, and all the team managers got together and started yelling above the racket. They were singing too and I found out afterwards it was a song called Had Enough by some bunch called Breaking Benjamin. There was so much noise that I had problems hearing the words but I think the following is the gist:
Milk it for all it's worth.
Make sure you get there first.
The apple of your eye.
The rotten core inside.
We are all prisoners.
Things couldn't get much worse.
I've had it up to here, you know your end is near.
You had to have it all,
Well have you had enough?
You greedy little bastard,
You will get what you deserve.
When all is said and done,
I will be the one to leave you in the misery and hate what you've become.
You won't believe it but, all this time, that Red Bull guy, Mateschitz, and Ross Brawn were sat at the next table from mine and having a really heated argument. I couldn't hear much but, after the cops came and took away the brawlers, old Dietrich starts singing to Ross, really from the heart and all bluesy. You'd have recognized it, Boss - that Muddy Waters thing called Got My Mojo Workin'. Hardly need to tell you, but here's a brief exerpt from the words:
Got my mojo working, but it just won't work on you
Got my mojo working, but it just won't work on you
I wanna love you so bad till I don't know what to do
Brawny Ross, he waits politely until Mateschitz is finished and then he gets up and starts a song too. It wasn't long before Dietrich joined in and that was the last thing I remember, the bar almost empty and these two singing away at each other while I slipped under the table. What were they singing? Haven't a clue what it's called but I managed to scrawl down some of the lyrics:
Anything you can do, I can do better
I can do anything better than you
No you can't, Yes I can, No you can't, Yes I can
No you can't, Yes I can, yes I can.
What a night, Boss.