The Cat of a Thousand Names 05/03/2005 Fritz came to us from some old Zimbabwe friends, Patrick and Eleanor (not their real names - let's have some privacy, okay?). They lived in Milton Keynes at the time and so were the reason I came to know that fair city. Patrick was a little older than myself and belonged in what I think of as "the Alcohol Generation" whereas I am firmly in the "Psychedelic Generation". Or maybe it was Patrick's Irish blood that gave him an affinity for the hard stuff.Which is all entirely off the point, since I intended to speak of the Cat of a Thousand Names. When Patrick and Eleanor decided to emigrate to Tasmania, we were chosen as the lucky winners in the contest to receive their cats (actually, we were the only entrants and did not realize that we had entered until informed of our prize moments before the cats arrived).The cats were named Fritz and Annie. As in most pet names, there were reasons; Annie because she was an orphan, Fritz because Patrick loved the film Fritz the Cat (not the old cartoon character but the much later pornographic version).I am funny about names. Regular readers will have noticed that my kids seem to have distinctly odd names but I can assure you that they all fit very well. The kids have not complained anyway.And I was never happy with the name Fritz, partly because I had not seen the movie and so did not get the joke, and also because I felt that anything with the name Fritz ought to have at least a tenuous connection with things German. The whole family set to work on devising a more apt handle for the unhappily-named one (Annie escaped this, probably because she was completely indescribable).At first, we tried out mutilations of the word "Fritz". "Furtive" was an early attempt that stuck, even though the cat was not furtive at all, being rather large and indolent, certainly never energetic enough to think of hiding his great bulk. "Ferdy" followed soon after and was accepted immediately. An aberration was "Frrt", an attempt to imitate the sound he made when asking a question (he was a talkative cat), rather than anything to do with his given name. "Frump" had a brief period of popularity. There were variations on a theme, "Firtle" supplying alternatives like "Firtleheim" and "Firtlebaum", and even "Fritz" produced the odd but attractive "Fritzenjammer".But none of the growing list ever managed to win out over the others and be adopted as the ultimate name for our furry friend. As the list expanded with fresh inventions and variants, all became quite acceptable and were recognized as referring to the feline presence amongst us. This process continued for his entire life and I could not vouch for their being no new suggestions on the day that he died. It was a few years before that sad time that I gave recognition to what was happening by christening him with the title "The Cat of a Thousand Names". It was no exaggeration.Perhaps the most amazing thing about Fritz (I use the original name from now on so that no confusion arises) was that he knew instantly when he had been given a new name. He would come to any of them and never took offence at this game that we played.And this led me to the realization that he resembled a dog in many ways. Very few cats ever learn their own names, let alone come to them. Fritz did both, in spite of the severe handicap of constantly changing goalposts. He was definitely canine in his ability to understand human speech.It came to me then that, with a little training, Fritz could be helped the rest of the way and become a real dog (yes, Pinocchio, now you are a real boy). We began with the easy things like food. And Fritz responded with a will, happily accepting any food that he saw you eating as well, just as a dog will do. Every dog I have owned has enjoyed a banana and Fritz was no exception. He tried potato chips and, in spite of some difficulty in getting them to an edible state, he professed a great liking for them. His favorite was yoghurt, however, and it became a crime to lick your own yoghurt top, Fritz being recognized as chief yoghurt top licker of the household.We progressed from there to more complex behavior. The game of "fetch" never appealed to him on account of his laziness, but you could see in his eyes that he understood the principle perfectly. It was just too much trouble to demonstrate his grasp of the game by physical activity. "Chase the cat out of the yard" he was good at, however. His technique was unusual but just as effective as the frantic barking and rushing about that a dog will do. Fritz relied more on his impressive bulk to achieve the same end. He would lie in the yard, apparently asleep, and wait for the offending cat to approach. At the moment when the prey was close enough to appreciate just how large he was, within a foot or so in other words, Fritz would wag his tail once, thumping it down on the ground with suitable aplomb. Most cats never recovered from the fright and would not enter our yard again.There was one lesson that Fritz never managed to get right, however, and so failed in his valiant attempt to be a dog. It was "barking" that defeated him. Fate had decreed that he should have a light, squeaky voice, totally unsuitable for producing the gruff and staccato sounds that a dog makes so effortlessly. He tried, poor fellow, but was defeated every time by the curse of his vocal chords. Never did he manage to achieve more than a pathetic mouse-like squeak.I gave up in the end and allowed him to live out his life, far above the normal run of cats but just short of dog-hood. He was happy enough with what he'd achieved, his good nature letting him smile at how close he'd come. And there was always one thing about being a dog that he got right every time.He would greet you at the door and let you know that you were the most important thing in the world to him. Not many cats ever get that right.
Clive
Ned "But above and beyond there's still one name left over, And that is the name that you never will guess; The name that no human research can discover-- But THE CAT HIMSELF KNOWS, and will never confess" I wonder what Fritz called himself? We adopted a dog once, who came with the name Barney. He was a Old English Sheepdog and it didn't fit well at all. We called him Butley and he was much happier. The drawback of pets who come already named is this: that they have already picked up some of the personality traits that their former owners imposed on them by naming them thusly. Another small adopted dog, name of Butch, had difficulty adjusting to house rules. He was something of a street thug. How different he might have been if named well. Date Added: 05/03/2005
Gone Away How true, about pets arriving already named being affected. I have known several cats and dogs over the years who came with names attached and, of them all, I think only Fritz was well adjusted and devoid of personality aberration of one kind or another. In Zimbabwe I took on a 4-year old Staffie male who was a great dog but he had never learned to play. He would observe my games with Josie (my Staffie bitch) with great interest but just could not work out what we were doing. In time he did loosen up a bit but I am sure that, even when he made feeble attempts to join in, he was only doing it to seem one of the crowd, for he never quite grasped the basic principle of play (which is to have fun, of course). Date Added: 05/03/2005
Mad The thing I always loved about Fritz was his hatred of the bin men. The way he would stick his head out of the cat flap as they passed and attempt to growl at them (which produced odd "rrowwrfffttt" noises). You could hear them chuckle at this head pocking out making weird noises. Date Added: 06/03/2005
Gone Away Ah yes, Mad, I forgot to add that in. That was pretty dog-like too. Of course, it was his size that terrified. Had the other cats realized what a softy he was, his reign would have been very short indeed. ;) Date Added: 06/03/2005
Josh I have only had one cat as a pet, and he lived with me for the first 17 years of my life. Every other cat I have met since his death is but a fraud in the frame of his memory. Yes, Waldo was one-of-a-kind. Date Added: 06/03/2005
Josh "All the bitches in the house say Woof!" Date Added: 06/03/2005
Gone Away That is very understandable, Josh. If you have ever owned a great cat, all the rest are worthless in comparison. Dogs are different somehow. Perhaps because there is so much more capacity for greatness in a dog that the likelihood of finding an equal to the one you've known is higher. And now I'm going to have all the cat people fall on me like a ton of bricks. :> Date Added: 06/03/2005
glenniah What a delightful story, you have such a way with words, Gone. And you have conferred on Fritz the greatest honour of all, he almost became.....a dog. He was not at all like the ugly duckling who possibly became psychotic with trying to be what it was not. Oh no, Fritz knew that he had a greater calling, his destiny was to become part of the higher breed, 'a dog'. You have made me wonder now about Fred and Dave. Well Dave is ok, he is pretty stable but Fred is another story. I wonder could I perchance assist him to become part of that other species which we call human? Date Added: 06/03/2005
Gone Away Glenni, you have hit the nail on the head. Some of us are called to higher things and Fritz was one of those whose destiny shone like a star in the sky of animal ambition. And I'm quite sure that all Fred needs is a little encouragement and he will emerge into the light of human-ness. Hmmm. Are you sure you want to force such a fate upon him? Date Added: 06/03/2005
Ned I say, do nothing that encourages Fred in any way. Date Added: 06/03/2005
glenniah Well of course Ned would say that. Everybody knows that Fred and Ned don't get along. hmmm have I said this somewhere before? Dogs do make you feel as if you are the most important person in the world to them. We own dogs, cats own their owners. glenni Date Added: 06/03/2005
Josh I think the saying goes: "Dogs have owners; Cats have staff. " Date Added: 06/03/2005
ja Hey Clive, Thanks for the inspiration! Remember that "Abandoned Blogs" entry you commented on, "an immediate suicide upon being born" and so on. That was my blog. You inspired me to alter the comparatively passionless metaphor I used in the entry. I changed it to this: "Abandoned blogs are the random, anonymous footprints of our blogosphere's lost, wandering, or simply curious souls. Like tourists visiting the Redwood Forest, or the Grand Canyon: they leave their mark in the rocks, or in the trees, connecting themselves to someone in the distant future who will learn that such and such person "was here" in the summer of such and such year." What do you think? I changed the url and the the title of my blog, but all else is the same: http://scrapsandshavings.blogspot.com. Best, ja Date Added: 06/03/2005
Gone Away I think that's brilliant, Ja. There is nothing quite so sad as an abandoned blog but you're right, they are like a marker placed for later generations to find and wonder about. You express it most eloquently. :) Date Added: 06/03/2005
keeefer Fritz was a good cat, a massive personality eclipsed only by his own stomach. Having owned several cats i think that their personalities are only truly observed by their owners. Other peoples cats are rarely as interesting as your own but this probably due to the fact that you spend little time with them and so never get to understand what makes them tick.....and you never get the opportunity to put sellotape on anothers cats paw. Date Added: 06/03/2005
Gone Away As always, Keef, you have gone directly to the heart of the matter. *Looks for a cat to experiment with sellotape on...* Date Added: 07/03/2005
Rusty I'm good with animals apparently, as they have all loved me. As for the barking thing, maybe Fritz wasn't too far off. I have a mini-shnauzer, and she squeaks. Date Added: 07/03/2005
Gone Away Yeah, I get on pretty well with animals too. But a miniature Schnauzer - now that I hadn't thought of... LOL Date Added: 07/03/2005
Harvey Young What a great story. I once had two cats. I called them the Katz sisters. There names were Jade and Judy Katz. They bore no resemblence to each other, I just thought at the time that it sounded interesting when a single man could say that I live with the Katz sisters. My cats were no dog however like Fritz. The only dog like skill they seemed to master was throwing themselves against the door when it was closed due to the infrequent visits of a real female. It seems that the Katz women did not take well to that. As a dog person, I agree with you that they are the higher order. My dog is my diet partner. He keeps me from ever eating too much because he gets his share of everything I eat. He is also the family mood indicator. When necessary he is sent in to gauge the mood of the woman of the house. If he gets thrown out we all stay away. Date Added: 07/03/2005
Gone Away Hey, what a brilliant idea, Harvey, to get the dog to function as a mood meter. LOL Dogs definitely have their uses.... :D Good idea, too, to be living with the Katz sisters... Date Added: 07/03/2005
Jodie Actually, I think Fritz was probably sparing you the trauma that true barking causes to dog owners. He probably really COULD bark, but knew that eventually this would lead to much human annoyance. Plus, as you say, he was lazy. Barking does take quite a lot of effort from observing Evil Wiley (my very own barking pet). Date Added: 07/03/2005
Gone Away I think you may be right there, Jodie. I guess barking does require a lot of effort; certainly, I know some dogs who put their heart and soul into it... ;) Date Added: 07/03/2005
w (stretches and lays in the sun a lot) Date Added: 07/03/2005
Gone Away .oO(Always knew Way had more sense than any of us...) Date Added: 07/03/2005
Rusty Just thought I'd let you know, you are the FABULOUS NUMBER 12 on Yahoo! Search for Gone Away. I'm number 4 for Little Bit Rusty. Gotta love this crazy numbers game. Date Added: 08/03/2005
Gone Away Well well, good ole Yahoo comes through for me. Thanks Rusty! :) Date Added: 08/03/2005
Gone Away Let's see if I can fix this... Date Added: 08/03/2005
Rusty Hm. Maybe I forgot to close the tag... better? maybe? Date Added: 08/03/2005
Gone Away Ah, thanks Rusty. LOL Date Added: 08/03/2005
Josh Oye Veh! You got a gaggle of markup muppets on yer hands, Mad. :P Date Added: 08/03/2005
Rusty I hope it doesn't recognize ALL html commands, someone could wreak a LOT more havok than that!*quickly jots something down in his 'evil things to do' list* Date Added: 08/03/2005
Gone Away Aarrgghh no Rusty! You'll have the wrath of Mad fall upon you! Date Added: 08/03/2005
Josh Oh boy, Rusty. . . Not the <blockquote> tag. Everyone best run for their lives. It will be anarchy. Date Added: 08/03/2005
Mad Josh lmao mang, I can see the blink tags popping up any minute. Rusty do your worst mate, I've had a lot more malicious than your good self have go at my comments system. And yes I know it is a little risky to allow anyone to input HTML but I haven't got round to writing an add on to parse commenters input... Date Added: 08/03/2005
josh I love the blink tag! See? If you are not using firefox (really, shame on you), don't bother. :P Date Added: 08/03/2005
Mad Ewww That's just so wrong... Date Added: 08/03/2005
Gone Away .oO(Techies...) Date Added: 08/03/2005
glenniah I realize nobody asked me. But if they did I would give first prize equally to Josh for his 'cats have staff' comment and to Harvey for the mood indicator and for being a 'dog person' Also a gentle reminder to Ned that Fred knows where she lives. glenni Date Added: 08/03/2005
Gone Away What a brilliant idea, Glenni - a prize for the best comment! And guess what the prize would be... :D Gmail, anyone? Date Added: 08/03/2005
Rusty Already got gmail! AHHH! I'll live though. Once redirected to a fatties porn site on a forum.... that was fun. Date Added: 08/03/2005
Mad Rusty do me a tiny favour :) Close those <br /> tags. Thank you. :D Date Added: 08/03/2005
Josh Just adding this link for posterity: ABCnews: Cat Shoots Owner Date Added: 10/03/2005
Gone Away LOL Josh. They are evil, I tell you! Date Added: 10/03/2005
Back to the main blog
You may use HTML in comments. A carriage return is <br />, use two for a new paragraph. For bold text use <strong></strong> and for italic text use <em></em>. If you know what you're doing feel free to use more complex mark-up but please no deprecated tags or JavaScript.
Name * Comment * Email * URL Commenting has closed for this post
