An Unlikely Dream 21/08/2005 It was not as if Andy did not know who stood before him when he opened the front door. Some faces are so instantly recognizable from their constant repetition in the media that we all know them, even though we might never have been within a thousand miles of the actual person. It was much more a matter of disbelief, incredulity holding Andy frozen to the spot with his mouth gaping."Good morning, Andy," said the man.For a moment Andy stood, still immobile, and then he realized that a response was required of him. He forced himself to speak. "Good morning, umm, Mr Gates. It is you, isn't it, Mr Gates?"The man winked. "Oh yes, Andy, it's me. But call me Bill, please. We don't need to stand on any formalities. May I come in?"Andy opened the door wide and moved out of the way. "Please, step inside."He watched as Mr Gates stepped across the threshold. Suddenly Andy remembered the state of his living room, books and magazines strewn across the floor and occupying the chairs, a half eaten pizza still in its box upon the coffee table, the blinds closed so that the morning light was no more than a glow at the window. Andy walked quickly to his best chair and started to remove the papers that buried its cushioned seat."I'm sorry, Mr G.., umm, Bill, I wasn't expecting you. The place is a bit of a rag and bone shop at the moment - I haven't had time to tidy up yet. Afraid I live a paper sack lifetime these days." He had cleared a space now and indicated the chair. "Please, take a seat."Mr Gates moved forward and sat down. "It's okay, Andy. It doesn't bother me and, anyway, we have more important things to discuss.""We have?" Andy sat down on his battered sofa, not noticing that his action caused a small mountain of magazines to slip and slide, one by one, on to the floor."Oh yes. You see, we have a bit of a problem down at Redmond and I think you may be able to help us with it. Our research has shown that you're a blogger.""So I blog," said Andy, "What of it?""We're very interested in blogging at the moment, Andy, and have been trying to get into it. You may think that we are too busy with things like Windows Vista and Internet Explorer 7 to be concerned about the blogosphere, but we're actually interested in both worlds. And you, Andy, are the man to help us."Andy was astounded. "Me? Why me? I'm a nobody."Mr Gates raised a hand to halt him. "Just a moment, Andy, hear me out. I'll do the talking here and then you can decide." He settled back into the chair and smiled before continuing."As I said, we have tried to get into this blogosphere and not had much success so far. And it became clear to us that we were missing something. What we need is someone who understands blogging through and through, someone who can show us how it all works from the ground up. A little research has revealed that you blog more than anyone else in the world. I'm not splitting hairs here: you spend nineteen hours a day blogging, you eat blogging and you sleep blogging. No-one blogs as you can. You are, if I may put it this way, the world's champion blogger, Andy. You're thirty stories up compared to everyone else."Mr Gates paused to allow his words to have their effect on Andy. Then he continued, confident now that his plan was about bear fruit."We want you to blog for us. Come down to Redmond and show us how it's done. I'm a little bit rusty at these things and I need your help. Think of it, Andy, you could blog as you've never blogged before. And you can name your price, whatever you want. What do you say?"Andy was stunned. This was not exactly a blogger's weekly experience. He was being offered the world on a plate, a chance of pontificating from the mountain as he had never done before. His blog was popular, it's page rank slowly improving, but it would never achieve the audience that Bill was offering. This was the chance of a lifetime.For one ecstatic moment, Andy savored the dream, reveled in the possibilities and tasted the glory. And then he heard it, like a whispered voice in his ear, the murmur of his deepest being, the essential "I" that was Andy: "This is not for you..." He fought not to listen, to pretend that he did not hear, but already he knew in his heart that this proffered fortune and fame must forever be another man's meat. And with the knowledge that he must refuse, there came a resolve and determination to remain true to himself, to be forever Andy.He looked up at Mr Gates who waited patiently, expectantly, sure that no man could refuse so glittering an offer. "I'm sorry, Bill, but I must say no. You are very kind to have thought of me, yet there is a matter of letting me be who I am in this. And I can only ever be Andy, just a lone blogger with nothing much to say and with very little life to tell. I'm sorry you've had a wasted journey."Well, Mr Gates argued and tried to persuade him, but Andy resisted all, a rock of determination in the raging sea of Bill's frustration. In the end, things became heated and Andy burst out finally with, "I'll be blogg'd if I'll do it!" And Mr Gates left, angry and disappointed, while Andy stood at the door and watched him go.As he reached the the limo waiting so patiently a little way down the street, Mr Gates turned and shouted one last parting shot, a strange invocation that Andy would wonder about for the rest of his life: "You're nothing but a puffer fish in my soup!"
--ooOoo--If you enjoyed this little story, and especially if it made you smile, you might also like The Phantom of the Blogosphere.
Clive
Mark Hilarious but... let me be the first to ask? What IS the message besides extolling the virtues of your recommended sites list? Date Added: 21/08/2005
Gone Away There should be a message? Have you been reading the tags to the links? ;) Ah, Mark, if it made you laugh, then I am satisfied. But, as the master satirist that you are, I'm sure you will allow me my little tug at the leg of the blogosphere and its fascination with links... :D Date Added: 21/08/2005
Mad It's like some kind of mad TV episode! Date Added: 21/08/2005
Gone Away That's mah boy, getting in with the spirit of the thing! :D Date Added: 21/08/2005
John (SYNTAGMA) A great little allegory, Clive, if I'm not mistaken. If the universe is about energy, then links are the energy and bloodstream of the blogosphere. Nothing wrong with that. Just as blood can be sold or given freely, so links are the same. Nicely finessed. Date Added: 21/08/2005
Gone Away Thank you, John. It was hard work but great fun! ;) Date Added: 21/08/2005
Kurt Ah, a bit of Sunday fun. This brings back good memories of the days when we were actually encouraged to write in English classes; we'd have our twenty or thirty SAT words for the week, and we'd have to write something that tied them all together. Most people stretched the bounds of plausibility to get it all on a page, but I took great pleasure in writing five or six pages to work everything in seamlessly. Thanks for the smile, Clive. Date Added: 21/08/2005
Gone Away Entirely my pleasure, Kurt. :D Date Added: 21/08/2005
Trée Clive, that was not an easy piece to write. I appreciate the time it must have taken to write this posting---enjoyable to read my friend. I suppose everyone will read into the story what they will, and why not. Once posted the post is really not your's anymore but becomes a small piece of all who read it and in that way multiples itself into thousands of variations, like pieces of a mosiac, each individual, yet all part of the same. Beautiful message, as I filter the story throught my own lenses and see more of what is inside me than what is inside you. Takes a special writer to be able to do that, and Clive you have that gift my friend. Date Added: 21/08/2005
Kurt And lest you think nobody noticed, nice work on the alt tags. Date Added: 21/08/2005
me strauss Clive, Brilliant and rollicking fun! Thoroughly enjoyable writing on several levels. I can see I'm going to be careful before I throw a gauntlet at your feet. Thank you for a great break in a rough working writer's day. I'll hardly mention what a nice counter it is to the conversation on working blogs versus writing blogs.:) me-Liz Date Added: 21/08/2005
Mark Of course there should be a message! I expected you to be 'deeper' than me Clive. :) Date Added: 21/08/2005
Gone Away Well, perhaps you are right, Trée, that there is more to the story than meets the eye. As you say, each reader will take from it what they perceive and you have certainly taken the best from it. I thank you for your perceptive comments and your kindness. :) Date Added: 21/08/2005
Gone Away Thanks, Kurt. Actually, I often do the alt tag trick and I think you're the first to have commented on them! ;) Date Added: 21/08/2005
Gone Away Thank you, Liz. :) But there's a conversation about working blogs versus writing blogs? I must have missed it - must admit that I haven't been able to get out and do my rounds yet today... Date Added: 21/08/2005
Gone Away Oh, don't lay that responsibility on me, Mark! We both do what we do and that's all we can... Date Added: 21/08/2005
Mark Thanks for the plug Clive. :) Enjoyed the piece and all the links - some good stuff here. You are one of my daily visits on my journey around the Net. Date Added: 22/08/2005
easywriter This was so much fun to read. Wonderful links too. Thanks! Date Added: 22/08/2005
Gone Away Thank you, Mark. :) Date Added: 22/08/2005
Gone Away And thank you, Easy! :) Date Added: 22/08/2005
blondehazard I will admit, I didnt read the story. I got too caught up reading the links.. I mean, the hidden messages. Date Added: 22/08/2005
Gone Away As long as you enjoyed it, Blonde, that's all that matters. :) Date Added: 22/08/2005
Jodie Clive, you are GOOD -- working in all those wonderful links! (like I have time to read links much anyway, now I have more links!)... Date Added: 22/08/2005
Gone Away Just a bit of fun, Jodie. ;) Date Added: 22/08/2005
Stuart Clive at first I wasn't going to comment - far too many erudite people have gone before me - but then I saw something in there that no one else commented on. Many seemed to look at it from a blogging perspective but I found myself looking at it from another point of view entirely. I saw it as a parable with just a hint of prophecy for Bill and any other media mogul who cares to read it. But then again, my mind works in strange ways before the first coffee of the morning. Date Added: 22/08/2005
Gone Away As has been commented, Stuart, there are several levels in which the story can be taken. In considering Bill, we should remember that all empires fall sooner or later. And things like the blogosphere and Linux are just the sort of barbarians to bring such empires down... ;) Date Added: 22/08/2005
Stuart Linux? Hmmmm it reminds me of the Maccabeans - but blogging has rather more potential imho Date Added: 22/08/2005
Gone Away Linux is one of the great sorrows of my life, Stuart. I would love to move away from the Windows OS and several times in the last few years I have tried various incarnations of Linux as the most likely substitute. It's a great OS but, unfortunately, the programmers have yet to realize that it needs more than just a pretty face to win over the non-techies of this world. The file system is inexplicable and installation of any program is a nightmare. It is so frustrating - all they have to do is present the files in the same way that Windows does (I don't care what actually happens underneath, I just want to see something that makes sense to me) and write an automatic installation program, and I would swap to Linux in a nanosecond. But they just don't seem to get it... .oO(Maybe I should blog this...) Date Added: 22/08/2005
Phil Dillon Clive I really enjoyed it. And I agree with you about Linux. I've never used it for personal stuff, but had someone train me in a very cursory way when I worked for FexEx. What a nightmare for a non tech person. Date Added: 23/08/2005
Gone Away And such a shame, Phil. They have some really good interfaces to it now but they still use that awful filing system and the incomprehensible install routine. With so little work it could be a world beater... Date Added: 23/08/2005
Kurt Finally, something I feel professionally qualified to comment on in Clive's comments! I used Linux extensively at my last job, both as a desktop OS and on PDAs. My take on it (I haven't used it since, so about a year since I've touched it) was that it made the impossible things hard, and the easy things hard, nicely smoothing out the curve to a straight line of 'How the heck can I do this?' You find yourself asking that question for anything in Linux, be it something as simple as getting a screensaver working or as difficult as taking high-rate data from a high-grade GPS unit with zero errors on a chip that could just about power a bag of Fritos. You can do all of it, it's just that all of it's an equal pain. That said, it made a neat toy, and I'll probably test it out again one of these days. Date Added: 23/08/2005
Gone Away About two years ago, I actually spent money on Linux, Kurt. I bought a version of Red Hat and then, when SuSE brought out a supposedly really easy version, I bought that too, plus books on how to use it. SuSE was easier in many ways but still retained all the things that had proved unfathomable to me in the Red Hat version. I ended up doing peripheral things in Linux that worked the way I expected them to (changing desktops, things like that) but for any real work I had to go back to Windows. In the end, I accepted that I'd wasted my money and deleted the whole thing. Ten years ago Linux was heralded as the OS that would end Microsoft's monopoly. It was admitted then that they would have to add a user-friendly GUI but this was promised. We all looked to the future with hope and lavished our best wishes on Linux. Today it has still not fulfilled the promise; instead we hear excuses like "Well, it was never intended to be desktop OS, blah, blah, blah." Instead of excuses, the geeks who created it and still work on it should be getting out into the real world, talking to users and finding out why they're still using Windows. Vista's hardware requirements are horrendous; there has never been an opportunity as bright for Linux as there is today, although there have been good opportunities in the past (all wasted). For Pete's sake, let Red Hat or SuSE or someone see sense at last and give us those few tools that would make the OS usable for the public! Date Added: 23/08/2005
Deborah Good message, Clive. It takes courage and stamina to stand by your principles when everyone else wants you to be a follower. Date Added: 23/08/2005
Brad Well done Clive! I enjoyed it very much and thank you for the link. Date Added: 23/08/2005
John (SYNTAGMA) Spot on, Clive. A post on Linux would be great for someone like me who's never used it, nor would touch it with a 40ft disinfected bargepole. Most open source stuff is well meaning but created by geeks who would have difficulty walking to the corner shop and buying a tin of baked beans. Although I run a blog on Windows Vista, I don't want to appear as an evangelist for it. BUT, one thing old Bill knows about is the GUI. He knows how to make complicated stuff digestible to the vast hordes of ordinary users who want computers but don't want to get a degree in software engineering. Next year, at around this time, take a deep breath, a whisky or two, and buy a Vista machine with a 19" screen and the best video card you can find. You will then have the benefits of AERO, with its "glass" effects and 3-D graphics. I can promise you, you won't regret it. You can get some screenshots over at windowsvistaweblog.com. Date Added: 23/08/2005
Mad John you are talking to a guy who wouldn't move to XP so the chances of my Dad moving to Vista are somewhat slim. Date Added: 23/08/2005
Josh Let's don't start dismissing Gnu/Linux out of hand because it has not the polished GUI of Mac or Windows. It was not born for this task, and no appreciable capital (save Novell's halfassed attempt) has been applied to a remedy for this problem. Those wily folks out at Cupertino have turned an even less lay-friendly framework into a great thing (OS X is BSD) , so it is indeed more a matter of will than of way. I also think the most common problem people have with Linux is failing to realize how often they actually use it for its intended purpose; Google's servers are not Windows machines, afterall. ;) Date Added: 23/08/2005
Josh "Most open source stuff is well meaning but created by geeks who would have difficulty walking to the corner shop and buying a tin of baked beans." Yeah? And how many open source developers do you know? Date Added: 23/08/2005
Mad Oooh me! Me! I know one!! On a serious note though Josh is correct; Linux is conquering the server market in a huge way. Date Added: 23/08/2005
Mad Actually thinking about it I know several and they could all buy a tin of beans... Albeit they'd be quietly thinking about a better container for beans. Date Added: 23/08/2005
Josh The plain fact overlooked in such a stereotype is that most open source developers are not just freakshow shut-ins who must try thrice when tying their shoes. In fact, a good portion of them have dayjobs with companies like John's beloved Microsoft. The same people working on your "glass" effects are likely the ones working on a better GUI for Linux. I wager you'd be surprised if you asked them which thing they enjoyed doing more. Date Added: 23/08/2005
Gone Away Thank you, Deborah. :) Date Added: 23/08/2005
Gone Away Entirely my pleasure, Brad. Must admit to enjoying your burns too. ;) Date Added: 23/08/2005
Gone Away Thinking about doing a post on Linux, John. It would have to be very much from the layman's point of view (obviously) and you must remember I have "baked bean buyers" looking over my shoulder. ;) My point is really simple, however. There are excellent GUIs available for Linux now but they haven't fixed what really needs fixing: the user view of the file system and the instal procedure. Those are the only two things holding Linux back. And I'm not saying they should redesign the file system; all that's required is that they make it look and work like the Windows system from the user's point of view. Surely that can't be too difficult. And as for a decent automatic instal program, I'm sure Josh could write one with one hand tied behind his back and a feather shoved up his nose. You support my complaint against Vista, however. It's easy to advise me to get all the new fancy hardware to run it but are you going to pay for it? At the moment I can't afford to buy a machine capable of running XP - fat chance of my even considering Vista then. ;) Date Added: 23/08/2005
Gone Away I wouldn't dream of dismissing Linux, Josh; I still have hopes that it will come through in the end to give Windows serious competition in the desktop market. But try to understand my frustration with it: to use it is to know that it can do everything Windows can, yet they insist on prepetuating a Unix-based file system that I have never managed to get my head around (and I've tried, believe me - I had money invested in it). The instal procedure is so well known as a problem with Linux that it really doesn't need repeating by me. I know that Linux is king in the server market. Is it really always going to be the case that it stays there when, with two simple tweaks, it could beat the stuffing out of Windows? Take pity on us poor users; stop telling us how great it is for servers and give us a product we can use. We're dying for it! Date Added: 23/08/2005
Kurt Clive, have you tried any of the LiveCD distributions such as Knoppix? They fix one of your problems out of hand by making install a non-issue; I always keep one on hand for emergencies (since, even though I haven't touched it in a year, I still know Linux file recovery and system repair tools better than Windows), even though I haven't touched it in ages. Date Added: 23/08/2005
Gone Away No, Kurt, not had a go at Knoppix yet. Let me know when they've changed the file management so that I can see all the files without bothering about whether I'm the administrator or not and made it as easy to create new directories as Windows does. To be honest, that was the real problem. I would have invested the learning time in Linux instal routines had I felt confident with the filing system; without that, it just wasn't worth the time and effort necessary. Date Added: 23/08/2005
John (SYNTAGMA) Directories, eh? Blimey, you take me back to my 3.1 days. And that wasn't very long ago ~ I moved from 95 to XP in one jump. So you can do it Clive! Tell you what, if my Windows Vista blog does as well as certain folk believe, I'll make a donation to Amazon and have a Vista machine delivered to your door.OK, I take back my jibe about baked beans. Read sardines instead. Yes, I know Linux goes well in the server field, Josh, and you would know much more about that than I would. But the good folk who run servers are the very same sardine wanabees that wrote Linux in the first place. As for the cost of hardware for Vista, I do admit to some worries about the 2.5GB size of the current beta Vista ~ with a lot more to come in Beta 2 ~ at a time when thin clients seem to be the direction we're going in. Web 2.0 and Microsoft seem to be going in opposite directions. How's that for evangelism? Date Added: 23/08/2005
Gone Away Ah, 3.1, now there was an operating system. In those days Bill hadn't hidden all the guts from us users so we could mess with the thing and change it to suit ourselves. Then he decided that we were all morons and needed to have things called "My Documents" and "folders" and that we couldn't be trusted to fiddle about under the hood. I object to being treated like an idiot. And Linux still calls them directories; at least they got that right... Date Added: 23/08/2005
Kurt I wouldn't know about the creating new directories or not seeing files without running as root; I use the command line for anything remotely involving file management, which doesn't hide anything (as long as you have your permissions set properly, which pretty much any distribution does by default now). Even when I did use Linux, the included GNOME and KDE equivalents to Windows Explorer or the file shell were useless. If you really are interested in learning Linux, it's worth the couple of hours it will take to learn the basics of the command line... oh, but now I just sound like one of the sardine-wannabes myself, since end-users should never have to look at a command line if they don't want to. It's all arcane and mystical, and thus daunting to, you know, real people, but it does work well for us geek types. Date Added: 23/08/2005
Gone Away I have watched programmers whooshing through the command line, Kurt, and have nothing but awe for them. I learned a bit in my 3.1 days about DOS and getting it to do a few things, but really I'm terrified of command lines. And I suspect that other users are a good deal more frightened of it than I am. Maybe that's what the Linux programmers need to know: that ordinary users will never learn to live with the command line... Date Added: 23/08/2005
John (SYNTAGMA) Command lines ... ouch. I remember DOS too. What a nightmare. But let's not forget it was the Apple Mac that introduced icons and windows first. I had one of the first models with their hopeless dot-matrix printer. The more I think about it, the more I look forward to Vista. Btw, Clive, we don't see much of you over at WBA now. It's very quiet over there without your presence. Date Added: 23/08/2005
Gone Away I ran out of steam yesterday, John - knew I should be writing an article for WBA but just couldn't find the energy. Finally accepted that I'd been pushing too hard (I work between 15 and 20 hours a day on the blog and related matters without a day off for weeks); I gave myself a break. This morning I've been catching up on all the things I should have done yesterday and I still have a post to do for the blog (no idea what, yet). But I'll be over at WBA as soon as I can, honest. :) Date Added: 23/08/2005
John (SYNTAGMA) Odd, I found it hard to find a subject yesterday. I had to cadge an idea from Blogspotting in the end. You're right to take a break. It's really hard work blogging. Date Added: 23/08/2005
Gone Away You're telling me! ;) Date Added: 23/08/2005
Paula (rockingrama) This was a great smile. I do hope you've picked up the pizza box by now, thus avoiding a colony of mold soldiers marching through your periodicals. If not, keep one eye out for the approaching green line and make sure you push it back before it reaches your feet. While I envy your sense of humor and admire your blogging stamina, I'm concerned (deeply :)) that you will be overcome with regret about your decision making. You could hire a lot of housekeeping if you had accepted Bill's offer. Since you didn't, perhaps you could write a referral for me! My floors could use some mopping too. Until the dreaded greenday, blog away...I am marking your site for the next episode. My site is more rooted in the mundane realities of life, but has some great links and a little hopeful encouragement about everyday life. Enjoy. Date Added: 23/08/2005
Gone Away Ah, Paula, perhaps if I were really Andy, my answer to Mr Gates would have been very different. But I hope not - there may yet be in the world a few who cannot be bought with mere money. ;) You have a fascinating blog - although the pressures of my own dictate that I have been unable to do more than have a quick look around, there is much to interest me there and I shall return (just as soon as I can get today's post done and dusted!). Date Added: 23/08/2005
Matthew Oh now, this is too bloody clever.Well done! Date Added: 23/08/2005
Gone Away Thank you, Matthew. Too bloody clever for my own good, I should think... ;) Date Added: 23/08/2005
Kurt I seem to inspire tangents in other people's comments sections lately. I'll say nothing more here of the command line than that there have been significant advancements in it since the old DOS (which still makes me cringe). And for what it's worth, I had a tough time coming up with a topic yesterday; real work is keeping me pretty exhausted and busy. Not sure yet if my entry last night is sub-par, or just a little offbeat. Date Added: 23/08/2005
Gone Away You remind me that I have yet to get out and do my rounds, Kurt. I'll get to it, I promise! Date Added: 23/08/2005
Josh Bit of an riddle, Mr. John. You operate a blog on software, but then you seem to relish looking down your nose at those who design and build it. Perhaps you are more like the car salesman than the engineer, yeah? Date Added: 23/08/2005
Gone Away Moral of the story: everyone deserves respect for what they do. I, for one, appreciate that the greatest advance of the 20th Century has been the computer and that this has been made possible through the efforts of those we sometimes call geeks. I've said it before but it bears repeating: the term "geek" is a term of honor and respect; I would be proud to bear that label myself. Date Added: 23/08/2005
Stuart Dear writing geek I don't know how you do it but you have managed to take readers from the intracacies of blogging to a bit of prophecy and then onto Linux and Windows Vista. I don't know how you do it :) Date Added: 23/08/2005
Gone Away Being weird helps. :D Date Added: 23/08/2005
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