Introversion and How To Win Friends... 17/08/2005 IntroversionMy wife, Kathy, and I were talking the other day about my favorite subject: me. She spends a lot of time on the excellent endeavor of trying to fathom the conundrum that is me and I find her conclusions very interesting, not only because she is usually right, but also because she gives me fresh fuel for my own researches on the subject.Our conversation centered around Kathy's recent discoveries about my introversion, a well known aspect of my personality, so much studied, in fact, that a complete section of the archives is devoted to it. But recently Kathy has made important advances in this area, chancing upon revelations that shed light on other, more obscure and less frequently documented, disciplines in the science of me. My tendency towards obsessions, for instance, a subject that we had thought thoroughly investigated and neatly tied up with a great big ribbon and seal, was revealed to be misunderstood and we had to awaken the obsession staff and put them back to work.It is well that Kathy has revitalized the study of my introversion for I think we may have lost sight of the fact that it is, perhaps, the whole reason for being of the Institute for the Scientific Study and Advancement in the Understanding of Me. The Institute has been in existence for so long that I cannot remember laying the first bricks in its foundation. But I am certain that those first elements in its construction were all labeled with the word "introversion". Without them, no Institute would have been possible or even necessary.How free are the extroverts, how unburdened with the onerous labor of investigation and inspection, observation and categorization, theorizing and experiment. Many are the times when I have watched these happy folk as they cavort in bountiful outpouring of their selves to an adoring world; how unconscious they remain of the generous spirit that prompts such largess. Yes, I have watched and often envied, for the introvert's task is grim and gloomy in comparison.And danger lurks in the dim corridors of the institutes of learning that we introverts construct. Let us not forget that the psychiatrists warn that nothing but ill can come of holding things to ourselves, that mental health resides in the open fields of self expression. It may even be true that total self absorption is the essence of insanity; consider the psychopath, who cares for no-one's good but his own. Yet to offer extroversion as medicine to the introvert is like saying to a man dying of thirst in the desert, "What you need is a nice, cool drink of water." He knows the remedy but it is not available to him.So the introvert walks a tightrope of sorts, unable to shut down the internal institute of self study, but holding on to the external world as a safety net of sanity. All good introverts soon find that a useful tactic in this is to surround oneself with the company of extroverts. With extroverts as friends, no introvert can long remain miserable; there is even the chance that the introvert might be encouraged to little experiments in extroversion, unnoticed moments when the self peeks through with an unguarded word or a spontaneous act. It is no accident that so many of my friends are extroverts, unconscious though they may be of the service they do me.Another important constituent to this strategy of retaining sanity yet remaining an introvert is humor. All sound institutes for the study of self will be found to contain a Department of Humor. And within this department, we find the various disciplines of Irony, Self Mockery, Satire, Plain Honesty and Not Taking Oneself Seriously. These are the weapons with which to ward off the demons of Self Aggrandizement and Paranoia.Do not misunderstand me: I am not complaining about the difficulties of being an introvert; like all introverts, I enjoy being one and wouldn't have it any other way. I may look at extroverts and occasionally envy them, but I cannot say that I find their way of life appealing. That carefree openness and unconsciousness of self may be enjoyable and entertaining in others but, for me, it would be totally alien, an unimaginable state of being.Introversion has its advantages, you see. In coming to a greater understanding of me, I learn things that can be applied to everyone. Inspecting my own processes of motivation and thinking leads me to understand better how these things work within all of us; and this, perhaps, makes it easier for me to forgive. The science of self can lead, ultimately, to the knowledge of man, for we all share in our common humanity.And, anyway, it's not as if I could change...How to Win Friends...Darren Rowse of ProBlogger has posted an article entitled Converting One off Visitors to your Blog into Regular Readers. It's so good that I wanted to yell at him to stop giving all my secrets away. But then I remembered what he'd been saying about being generous with one's knowledge and much more will be returned (a good Christian principle - funny how the Truth works even on the net). So I thought I'd go one better and add a few items to his list.I already use most of Darren's suggestions, these having developed quite naturally as the blog grew. But think about these as well:Pay A VisitAlways visit the blog of any new commenter; comment if at all possible. Even if you can't comment, show in your reply to the original comment that you have visited by a reference to the commenter's site. And be prepared to become involved in discussions on their site too. It's not fair that they should always be expected to trudge over to your place if they want conversation.Give An Unexpected AnswerIn replying to a first-time comment, think about what has been said and give a reply that shows you care what the commenter thinks. Be unconventional in your thinking; don't just go for the obvious answer. It's called "injecting your personality" (oh great, say that after you've just posted about being an introvert...) - and personality is what attracts humans to each other.Discuss But Don't ArgueA soft answer turns away wrath - even when a new commenter is obviously spoiling for a fight, find the common ground (there's always some) and answer politely and reasonably. It's rare that a belligerent commenter will keep coming back to a barrage of politeness; and sometimes they settle down and become regulars. If a fight between two commenters develops, step in and try to cool things down. A brawl in your comments section might gain you a few extra readers for a while but they'll be gone as soon as things calm down again.Don't Follow FormulasWhatever happens, use those techniques that come naturally to you and forget the rest. If you make a copy of Darren's list and slavishly follow it, even though some of it goes against the grain, people will know you're following a formula. I don't know how we do it but we can recognize insincerity a mile off (thousands of miles - this is the net, isn't it?). Always be yourself and you'll find that your personality will attract people that you can interact with.Don't Follow TrendsDon't write about something purely because it's the hot topic of the moment. That's a recipe for hits, not regulars. Write about what you know, care about and are interested in. As time goes on, visitors will know the kind of thing you're likely to write about and, if they share your interests, they'll return. If they have only visited because you posted about something that's hot, they'll leave as soon as you move on to other things. I write about some of the weirdest things imaginable but my visitors keep coming back (it comes of being weird - what else can I do?). And I almost make it a policy not to be topical (just occasionally I might do one of those to keep 'em guessing).But make sure you read ProBlogger - it's brilliant stuff.
Clive
Davad IntrOversion. Right-o. But ExtrAversion. It's a tricky one, to be sure. Date Added: 17/08/2005
Gone Away Sorry to have to argue, Davad, but you'll find that "extraversion" is a variant of "extroversion". Check it in Dictionary.com. ;) Date Added: 17/08/2005
Mad Ah but what about us introverted extroverts (or is extroverted introverts) eh? Date Added: 17/08/2005
Gone Away We're all a mixture to some extent, Mad. But the terms are generalities and refer to that aspect of our personalities that is the more dominant. Anyone bang in the middle must get very confused! Date Added: 17/08/2005
Robotnik We, Europeans, always love analysing, don't we? We just sit and smoke and drink and ruminate... I've given up the extrovert vs. introvert category. Now...I just sit and drink and smoke and not think of anything else. It's better that way. I fit in with most Americans. Date Added: 17/08/2005
Gone Away Ah, Alex, thanks for that - you brightened my day. What an excellent philosophy! But I doubt I'll be able to adopt it - I am too old and set in my ways now... :D Date Added: 17/08/2005
Deborah I find myself oscillating between the two categories, depending upon what is going on in my life. Date Added: 17/08/2005
Gone Away I think most of us do so, Deborah, but some (such as myself) are heavily biased to one or other of the two extremes. So it's rare that you'll find me in extrovert mode, although it does happen sometimes... Date Added: 17/08/2005
Stuart Hmmm ... I'll have to think about that. Date Added: 17/08/2005
Gone Away Food for thought, Stuart - to an introvert! ;) Date Added: 17/08/2005
Gone Away I've just realized that this idea of tacking one post below another could lead to some awful confusion in the (shared) comments section. Bear with me if I answer you on the wrong subject! Date Added: 17/08/2005
Trée Clive, as a fellow introvert I appreciated your post very much. Introverts are often misunderstood. For example, I love public speaking and teaching or training others. Most who know me as a speaker say I talk too much. Get me outside the stage and it's hard to get a word out of me. My mind goes a million miles a minute, I just have no desire to verbalize those thoughts. Many have commented over the years that they find me arrogant, aloof, or a stick in the mud. Mostly, it's extroverts who simply can't grasp my introverted nature. I enjoy your postings. You are doing good work my friend. Date Added: 17/08/2005
Gone Away Thanks very much for the kind comments, Trée. I'm much the same except that, in my case, it applies to writing. I can waffle away with the best in the printed word but speaking is a very different thing. Most of my readers would be surprised at how quiet I am in person. And you're right about often being misunderstood. I suppose if we're not prepared to open our mouths and reveal who we are, we have only ourselves to blame if we're assessed incorrectly! ;) Date Added: 17/08/2005
Stuart Exactly Clive - at first I thought you were looking inside my head :) Date Added: 17/08/2005
Gone Away It's my job to look inside peoples' heads, Stuart - I'm a writer. ;) Date Added: 17/08/2005
Kurt I wonder how often people confuse self-motivation and introversion. I know of plenty of people, including myself, who will happily bend their head over a desk and work on something for unreasonably long with no complaint, and get mistaken for introverts simply because we don't need to seek approval at every stage of our work. While I'm self-contained (and in fact, this summer have been a solitary creature 5 days out of every 7), I'm not sure if it's out of necessity or if I'm just more of an introvert than I give myself credit for. Date Added: 17/08/2005
Me Strauss It's been said that one way to tell a person's preference for introversion or extroversion is how he or she reacts in times of stress. Those who run to the case are prefer introversion. Those who run to talk it out are extroverted. I find myself to be something my friends have labeled a "socialized introvert" does fine with the microphone and in many common situations, but really needs the introverted time for recharging the batteries, I know this many extoverts think introverts are fools because they don't talk; many introverts think extrivers are fools because they talk withoug thinking. ;) Thanks for letting me stop by to play with you. . Fabulous article Clive, entertaining, informative, and a great break from those pesky pigs. Date Added: 17/08/2005
Stuart But dammit Clive ... did you have to go and broadcast my brain to world? :) Date Added: 17/08/2005
Ken A sage has no self, but there is nothing that is not himself. Date Added: 17/08/2005
Gone Away I think the concept of introversion and extroversion is merely a way of classifying things so that we can think about them in a more organized way. As I've mentioned, most of us are mixtures of the two, although usually we have more of one than the other. And, from the symptoms you describe, Kurt, you sound very much like an introvert to me! ;) Date Added: 17/08/2005
Gone Away Thank you, Liz. :) And I think you have described exactly how extroverts and introverts view each other! ;) Date Added: 17/08/2005
Gone Away My apologies, Stuart. What can I have been thinking of? :D Date Added: 17/08/2005
Gone Away So he wins both ways, Ken? That's cheating, I would have thought... ;) Date Added: 17/08/2005
Kurt Perhaps it's the experience of living with someone even more introverted than myself corrupted my perception, Clive. One of my two roommates last year was perhaps the most self-sufficient, introverted person I've ever known; even in the presence of us others, he lived an entirely self-contained life. Perhaps I'm healthily introverted and he was a bit extreme; everything in moderation except solitude. Date Added: 17/08/2005
Gone Away Absolutely, Kurt. I really do believe that being too introverted is to risk insanity. The restriction of interaction to ourselves only drives us crazy in the end. .oO(Hmmm, I wonder if that's why I blog...?) Date Added: 17/08/2005
Jodie Clive, I bet you'll find far more introverts blogging than you will extroverts. It's funny. Most of my friends would give me the extrovert label, but people have to know me really well to understand that really, I'm an introvert with a funny extrovert hat that I can wear whenever I want to expend the effort. Date Added: 17/08/2005
Gone Away So, Jodie, it would seem that you are a fellow chameleon, a master of deception and disguise! And I know so well how the adoption of camouflage can drain us of energy, leaving us desperate for those times of solitude when we may recharge the batteries and make some sense of the wild adventure we have just experienced. I must get one of those funny hats sometime... :D Date Added: 17/08/2005
Scot Clive: "How to Make Friends" applies not just to blogging, but to our daily face-to-face interactions with others as well. It's certainly good advise. Enjoyed your introspection on introversion. My cat often complains that I need to get out more, but when I do, he wishes I'd not be gone so long, extrovert that he is. Hard to find the balance of the fulcrum so to speak. It is good that your is wife is patient in your quest to find a "greater understanding of me." Thanks for visiting my blog and taking the time to comment. Date Added: 18/08/2005
Gone Away Hmmm, good point about "How to Win Friends", Scot. Now you've got me wondering whether I unconsciously apply in the blogosphere what I've learned in the real world. And I'm back to the introvert thing again! Aaaarrgghh! ;) Date Added: 18/08/2005
Stuart I found Kurt's combination of 'self-sufficent' with 'introvert' interesting. As one introvert to another Clive - can introverts really be self-sufficient? Date Added: 18/08/2005
Gone Away I think they can often give that impression, Kurt, although I suspect that the internal reality is often very different. In many cases it is insecurity that drives introversion and a fear of the outside world. It may be self sufficiency in that they can exist without too much human contact; but I think the phrase implies a degree of confidence that generally introverts lack. Date Added: 18/08/2005
prying1 Thanks for coming to my blog and commenting Gone Away. It really works for getting people to visit back... This posting is really great. I wonder if I 'borrowed' portions and replaced the pronoun 'me' with my name would I get away with it. Course I'd have to change the wifes name and I'm not an introvert so that would have to change and... Forget it. It would be obviously insincere anyway... Unlike your posting! ~~~~~~ - Proof reading this comment prior to pushing the button I would like to clear up the possible misconception that Clive's posting is unobviously insincere as opposed to obiously sincere. It is definitely the latter. Date Added: 18/08/2005
Gone Away Well, you know what they say, Paul: Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. :D Good to see you back and posting again! Date Added: 18/08/2005
keeefer as we say in oz ........Bugger! I cant decide if im an inny or an outy now...... Date Added: 18/08/2005
Gone Away Oh, you're definitely an outy, Keef. :D Date Added: 18/08/2005
Phil Dillon Clive I loved it! Count me in to the healthy introverts club. Date Added: 18/08/2005
Quills I think I'll continue to straddle the fence. I'm a loner at heart, but I love socialising! Gotta love those internal conflicts, for they make the external person interesting. Date Added: 18/08/2005
Gone Away Will do, Phil! But I thought introverts weren't joiners... ;) Date Added: 18/08/2005
Gone Away Never a dull moment, Quills! :D Date Added: 18/08/2005
John (SYNTAGMA) It's funny but it's said of "fully Enlightened" people that they face both ways at once. Other people think of them as extraverted by their open manner, but they never cease a continuing introspection. Ah...happy state! In the world, yet out of it. Date Added: 18/08/2005
Gone Away Very like the Christian admonition, John - to be in the world and yet not of it.... Date Added: 18/08/2005
Enlightened Quills Bask in the light of my enlightened state! It's full of Invader Zim DVDs and free pop corn. Lotus position everyone! (I've had too much green tea again.) Date Added: 18/08/2005
Gone Away .oO(I don't mind that lotus position - it's the staring eyes she gets when she's had too much tannin...) :D Date Added: 18/08/2005
Marti Excellent post, as always! Thoughtful and courteous, as is your nature. I am an extrovert who heartily agrees with the placid response to those who rant and rave. Cheers to you! Date Added: 18/08/2005
Gone Away Thanks, Marti. :) Date Added: 18/08/2005
Ken Cheating? Surely not. Just the deepest kind of openness, I'd have thought. Date Added: 19/08/2005
Gone Away I was joking, Ken. You're right, of course. :) Date Added: 19/08/2005
prying1 Wanted to mention too I really like the changing chameleon pictures. Does the inny/outy attributes apply to it? I cannot tell which it would be... Date Added: 19/08/2005
Gone Away Thanks, Paul - all down to Mad's clever coding. And all chameleons are innies - hence their skill at disguises! :D Date Added: 19/08/2005
A nameless introverted soul Screaming, tearing, raging my mind runs Through clouds of grey mist as I seek the light Cobwebs brush my face and I stumble and stagger I seek for what I have lost and can never find The happiness of childhood, not mine but yet mine Part of me but separate by more than distance I see but am not seen For I am now part of that swirling mist Memories, not mine but others Never to be regained But still I try until consumed. I have no pretentions about being a poet - but sometimes, in the dark of the night and the black depths of despair it helps Date Added: 19/08/2005
Gone Away Thank you, Nameless- you express very well how an introvert can sometimes feel. Date Added: 19/08/2005
Back to the main blog
You may use HTML in comments. A carriage return is <br />, use two for a new paragraph. For bold text use <strong></strong> and for italic text use <em></em>. If you know what you're doing feel free to use more complex mark-up but please no deprecated tags or JavaScript.
Name * Comment * Email * URL Commenting has closed for this post
